Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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