Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
