My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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