i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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