I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
