This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My vagina is officially offended.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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