guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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