she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
