he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
