The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
