you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.