i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
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There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME