Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
True strength comes from lack of pants