Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
