she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
