The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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