Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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