I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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