I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
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I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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