I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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