just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
