Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
