life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
