haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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