At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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