Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
