end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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