Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
