why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
