omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
