The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
