Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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