it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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