he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
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