If that was your dad, he is hot
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
