i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
