Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
