Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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