I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
