you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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