haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
