You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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