I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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