If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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