So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
