ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
