i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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