Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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