i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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