ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
