About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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