I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
