this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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