I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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