'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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