When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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