I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
