The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
