i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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