dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
