you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
